October 14th

Every year when October 14th rolls around, I start to think about the past with my grandpa Henry and dread the day because today is his birthday. He passed away over 6 years ago due to 2 stokes. He was only 65 when he died and so young. I think about how much he used to laugh...and when he laughed it was a laugh that radiated through his entire body. He had a Santa belly that jiggled with his laughter. He was always smiling. I remember the way that he would clean up for Sunday. He wore bib overalls and a few different shirts during the week, but on Sundays he would really clean up. White shirt and tie, maroon suspenders, and nice slacks. I remember the way he would hold the hymn book with one hand and his other arm holding my grandma. I miss him so much. We were such good friends and he was a great man. He was such a hard worker and a stalwart member of the gospel. It gives me great comfort that my little baby and grandpa are "up there" together and watching our for each other. I am so blessed in my life to have the gospel and know that the truth is. I know that I take it for granted so much, but lately with the way things have gone in our families lives...I am so grateful for it. I know that someday I will get to see my grandpa again and he can tell me that I am beautiful and that he is so proud of me. He always told me that. It meant something when he was one earth, but now that he is gone...I appreciate it so much and through his love and by me learning not to take things for granted, I find more joy in the everyday things. When my son yells "mommy" 50 times an hour, or my husband tells me that I am a good mom, or when my dad calls me on the phone, or when my little sisters tell me that I am so pretty...I take them in my heart and make the most of those moments. Time passes too quickly and people come and go out of our lives before we know it. It is a sad thing, but we know that we can cherish those moments forever in our hearts and that we will see our families and friends again someday. The knowledge doesn't make things any better sometimes, but it does make it a little less painful in the end.

I miss my baby so much everyday and I feel so void. I feel like part of my heart has been taken away with that sweet baby. I will never forget that I saw my baby and that it was an actual person with skin and bones and a heart...tiny as they may have been...they were there. I get upset when I hear about pregnant women complaining with their pregnancies that they are so tired and so sick and on and on...well, they should be grateful that they still have their baby. It is still not easy for me to get through a day because I wonder what my baby would have been, and what it's personality would have added to our home, etc. A difficult part of this whole thing was the joy of having this sweet baby in our lives for only 2 months and then the sadness of losing it too soon.

I have been reading some LDS books on miscarriages and it seems to help a little bit, but I really think that I am too numb and nor do I actually want to sit and think about what really happened. By body is still trying to heal as well. My body aches and all of the changes that happened in those 2 months of pregnancy, now have to back track. It is taking it's toll on me. I still have no energy and I really don't feel like doing anything. I know that someday I will get that back, but for now...I guess I should rest and get back to normal. Last week my hCg count was 6 and it needs to be under 5. So that means I need to go back to the doctor again to have my blood done again. I have been avoiding going back to the hospital because I don't like it there. I don't want to have to tell people why I am there when I ask. It is just too hard. Or when people ask me how many children I have I want to say two, but I can't. I don't want to explain. The tears just well up in my eyes and I have to walk away. I know that eventually the pain will lessen, but it will never go completely away. For now, I will try to get through this and love my family more. I will try to be a better person and make living the gospel and being an example of our Savior Jesus Christ a bigger priority in my life.

I love you Grandpa and my baby. I know you are watching over my family and I and protecting is. I think about you everyday and know you think about me too. Have some pie today and know I love you.