Insanity Around Here

    I have been meaning to post for sometime now. After we got back from Utah a while back, things have just been too crazy...ahhhhh! I would say I want to scream, but I have done that many times in my pillow. While I was in Utah I started having these weird headaches. I would get them every time I would lay down on my stomach, bend over, or change my position at all. I chose to deal with if for a while and manage pain with Excedrin. After a while though, I was taking so much that completely stopped because I didn't want to be taking so much pain medication. I finally made an appointment about a month ago with my doctor. I was not happy with the way she treated me, but she gave me pain meds and scheduled me for a CT scan. When we got the CT scan scheduled we automatically thought the worst and though a tumor. We took a step back and analyzed what we would do it I died. These were questions that had to be asked. It was really hard for me the first few days of confusion. I loved my boys more and treasured every second I had with them. I didn't want cancer and I never thought I would have to think about it. We didn't know what was going on...we had to make plans and talk about the crappy hard stuff. I went about a week later to the CT scan. My good friend Haley watched my boys. She is an angel, and I don't know what I would do without her. Last week I had an appointment to get the CT scan read. To my surprise, I had a lot going on inside of my little head. I have sinus disease for one. The doc gave me some allergy stuff to take and an antibiotic to help with that. The second thing was a little more concerning. I was told that I have a condition known as Chiari malformation. It is where part of my cerebellum in the bottom of my brain is being pushed out of the opening where my spinal cord is. This can cause a lot of problems. Headaches, choking (which I have been dealing with for 4 years now and it is getting worse), dizziness, tiredness, passing out (has happened to me a lot), and other things that I have been dealing with a lot. I went to see a cardiologist before little Emerson was born, but they saw nothing wrong with my heart. It was really confusing as to what was going on.
    I was scheduled to see a neurologist this last Monday December 3rd. Ben had a HUGE presentation that day and couldn't be with me. Haley watched the boys for me. As I got checked in and sat down to wait to be called in, Ben showed up. I held me tears because I was trying to be strong. I was so so SO thankful that he showed up. I needed some love and support from him. I had felt totally alone. The neurologist told me that I needed to start taking some "poison" medication as he called it. He told me that I would get sick, lose 5-10 pounds, and that this medication (1 of 6) could possibly eat a hole in my stomach. He told me I needed to be careful with this one med and come back and see him in two weeks. As I sat there for an hour with the doc, he told me a bunch of things that were going to happen. I felt sick to my stomach already. He gave me a bunch of other meds to try and help protect my body from the "poison" med. When I was done with the neurologist (Ben had to leave early), he explained to me that I had to go to the lab and get 21 labs done (that is a lot of blood), go to pharmacy to grab all of my crap, and then go to MRI to schedule that. I went to the lab and got tons of blood taken. I could literally feel the blood just drain from me...it was crazy. The vampires would have hated me after I was done there...no blood left for them. Next was the pharmacy. I drew my number and I was 40 numbers away from getting called to the front. Oh gosh, what was I supposed to do. I took out my kindle and started doing whatever I could. I got up and got some cookies and my last diet dr. pepper that would taste good (my meds make carbonation taste flat). Finally I was called to the front and they were confused about my meds...another half hour passed. Grr...I just wanted to go get my boys and love them. After the pharmacy, I went to radiology. They told me I had to walk all the way to the other side of the hospital (this is the largest hospital in the Air Force). I made it there they were eating lunch in front of me and so inconsiderate. I was not impressed. They had to check how urgent my situation was to see when they could get me in...they are booked until the end of January.  She came back and told me I was an urgent case and that she would call me later that day with an appointment. I said okay and booked it out of the hospital. 4 hours was way too much there!
    So far, my medications have made me super hungry all the time, have hot flashes, feel dehydrated, sick to my stomach, really moody, and so tired. I am taking so made medications I feel like my breakfast is made of pills. This Saturday is my MRI. I am pretty nervous. I have done one of these before and I am not fond of them. The MRI people will check everything in my body, my spinal fluid flow, and how much of my brain is hanging down. After that, I will have a consultation with the neurosurgeons so they can say yay or nay on surgery. Surgery would include in my doctors words "ripping the back of my head off." They would have to shave the back of my head, and cut it open to remove some of the back of my skull. How should I feel about this...scared, numb, tired, nothing...I am not sure. I feel like if I start to cry the dam would break and I wouldn't be able to stop. With these meds, I am on edge and I am so emotional. I feel like I just want to cry all the time. I am not depressed, just worried, and on an emotional rollercoaster with my "poisons." We haven't really told anyone because it is hard to explain, and I don't know what to say to people. If you are family and reading this for the first time, I am sorry we haven't told you. We just didn't want anyone to worry or ask questions. Even my own mom doesn't know everything. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with, and we don't really want to interrupt your lives.
    We are living life the way we should, and have gotten a few blessings along the way. Ben is worried about me and I can tell. He tried to be so strong, and say things that will comfort me in his weird way, but I know he is worried. I know he cares so much. I am leaving a few details out about other things that are wrong because there is just too much to say. This is what we have been dealing with along with other life things, and Ben's intense school work and schedule. Heavenly Father has been watching over us extra lately and blessing us so much. There are so many little things that he has done lately, and I have seen His hand in many things. I didnt' know what I was going to do with the boys when I have to get my MRI done. By some miracle there was some opening when Ben is off Saturday. That may seem like something small, but for those of you with kids and have been in this spot before, you know what a blessing that is. I guess we will just continue to say prayers and see what happens. Surgery or no surgery...Heavenly Father is watching out for us and He will help us no matter what happens. I am thankful for a supportive family, and a loving Heavenly Father and Savior to comfort me when I am in need of comfort. I will update after we get the MRI results.

I hope this didn't sound like a pity me post, this was just me telling what has been  happening lately that I refuse to post of Facebook. Someday posterity will appreciate being able to see how I handled things in a time of trial.