Normal and Another Doctor's Appointment

What is normal? I have no idea anymore. I wish I knew what it was like to have one day without some type of headache or some numbness is some area of my body, or dizziness,tiredness, nausea, neck pain, or some crazy feeling. Thank you medications and chirari. I would love a normal, stressful, stay at home mom day.

Yesterday was a big doctor's appointment...or so I thought. I know Dr. Leidner had the results of my latest MRI. He was going to tell me more. Ben was off yesterday and Emerson was sick so we didn't have anyone watch the kids and I really wanted Ben to be there with me...for comfort and for questions he had and to help me with anything that I might forget (I have a tendency to forget things when I hop up on that cold table in front of the doc). Well things didn't go as planned. We had about 10 minutes before my appointment. Ben let me out at the door and I walked fast to get checked in. I checked in and I got a text from Ben saying that Braeden had thrown up three times on their way in...GREAT! So I was on my own. The doctor asked me how I was doing, asked about my current meds, headaches, tingling, pains, etc. He checked my reflexes again, did some neuro tests on my eyes and he told me that he could tell I was getting worse because my eyes looked swollen. He was going to do another MRI test and some other tests that involved large needles going into my back, but after I begged and pleaded with him to not do that because of the spinal headache incident, he called the radiologist to make sure that my veins and arteries were okay. The radiologist said everything looked good and that is was definitely a beautiful 7 almost 8mm triangular herniation.  It goes right into where the spinal cord goes. This causes a lot of problems. Headaches being one, swallowing, severe neck pain (which I have had terribly the last few weeks), dizziness, tingling in hands and feet, and other things. Because my chiari was a perfect chiari, I get to have a consult with the neurosurgeon. The doctor made it sound like, "eventually" I will have a consult with them. No doctor, I want one now. I want to relieve the pressure in my head. I feel like a balloon being filled with water that is going to burst at anytime. I NEED to meet with that neurosurgeon. I KNOW (believe me I know) that this surgery recovery will be a long road. It is just going to be terrible, but living the way I am now is terrible too! I cannot do it. My children are suffering, my husband is suffering, my spirit is suffering, and guess what I am doing on Sunday...I am going to talk to the bishop about being released from my calling. I have been praying about and thinking about it and I feel that it was the right thing to do. I don't know why this has happened to me. I don't know why I am in this position, but I cannot physically or mentally give anything to being a singing time leader in primary. Anyone who has been in that calling knows it is a very demanding calling. It is a weekly thing, it is a teaching thing, it is a responsibility thing, it is a discipline thing, and a bunch more. Each week, I have been getting worse. I feel weak up in front of the children. I cannot give it my all, I can't give it my anything. Most of the time, I forget what I have planned because I cannot focus (thank you meds again) and we end up doing silly songs. That is fine, but they are supposed to be learning songs. Songs for the program, article of faith songs, songs they have never heard, holiday songs, etc. They are not learning anything from me because I cannot teach in this state. I am probably going to be missing a lot of Sundays, and if I end up having surgery there will be a lot of Sundays I will not be there at all. What is the point of me being a half to not at all timer? They need someone who can be there for them? When I accepted this calling I wasn't this sick! I was sick, but I wasn't this sick. Anyways...another rant...I am going to talk to my bishop and tell him that I physically cannot do my calling. It is just not something I can do right now. I have another calling that is pretty intense too, but I can do that one. It is just Enrichment activities. Others can cover for me. I don't like having to talk to the bishop, but I have to. I feel that it is the right thing to do for me, and for those sweet primary children. I had so many things I wanted to do with them, but I am so weak that it is just not going to work out.
On, with the doctor's appointment. The doctor ended up telling me to up me doses on my meds as high as I can go within the limits set for each one. Now these are the "poisons" as he calls them. He also put me on a beta blocker for blood pressure that should help with the intensity of the new headaches I have developed. I think I have every type of headache people can get. Yuck! I have never been so grateful for my husband's neck massages though. They seem to help my neck a little bit. The doctor wants to see me in 6 weeks to check on how I am doing with my meds. It was a very uneventful appointment. Although, I did get to see my MRI scan...now that was cool. I got to see exactly what was causing this major shift in our lives. I am waiting by the phone for tricare to call me to set up an appointment with the neurosurgeon. I pray that it is soon and that we can get things moving along with that and that we feel comfortable with what he/she says. I know that  right now all I can do is put my trust into my loving Heavenly Father and know that things work out in his timing. I have no clue as so why He is putting me and our family through this. I don't know. It hurts...everyday.

Here is a poem most of you have read before or heard before...it is called footprints in the sand

One night I had a dream--

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord 

and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. 

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, 

one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. 

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in my life. 

This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. 

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you would walk with me all the way,

but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints. 

"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,

you should leave me." 

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,

I love you and I would never, never leave you

during your times of trial and suffering. 

"When you saw only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

I know that my Heavenly Father lives and loves me and He is here through it all. It does get hard. It has been crazy the last little while. Braeden has been sick, Emerson has been sick, Braeden passed out, gosh....something wonderful must be right around the corner! I feel it. I have to hold in the crying because it only makes my head hurt worse. I hope you all are doing well and having a wonderful new year!