Neurology Consultation Today

This morning at 8:45 am was my neurology consultation  By some tender mercy of our Heavenly Father, Ben was able to be there with me. My wonderful friend Haley agreed to watch the boys for me. They were so excited. Ben and I ended up being 10 minutes late which means we were 5 minutes early. I checked in and we ended up waiting for what seemed forever. I had a huge pit in my stomach all morning. I don't know if it was a terrible feeling or what, but I felt absolutely sick and nauseous like I needed to throw up. I never did. We finally got called back and the crazy nurse was wack-o. I didn't like him at all. He wasn't friendly and he just took my blood pressure and asked if I got headaches more in the morning or evening. I told him I get them after naps sometimes, but never at the same time. From there I already knew this appointment was going to be a waste of time. I didn't want Ben to know that I didn't want to be there anymore. I wished Ben was my nurse. He would have have been friendly and made me feel at least a little bit more comfortable to be there, and he probably would have made me laugh. He is just wonderful like that. The nurse then asked if I had a CT scan recently. I told him I had one in November. He asked if that was my most recent scan and I told him no and that I had two MRI's done very recently. He said, okay and walked out...he left the door wide open and never came back. Then the doctor came in. He shook my hand and then asked "What can I do for you?" WHAT!!!! I was floored. Dear neurologist...I am here for you to take my birth control out. Why do you think I am here you moron? I replied," I would like you to help me feel better." I though all along that he knew what was going on, that he knew my condition, and that he had taken the time to read my medical history. No...he had no idea what was going on with me. He could have thought I had some nerve in my head that kept twitching for all he knew. He had absolutely NO idea what was wrong with me. There was no mention of the word Chairi on either part because I though he knew....so did Ben I am pretty sure. Ben asked him if he had taken the time to read my history and he said no. So then Ben and I had to do our best to go over my entire medical history with him and not miss any dates or details that might be pertinent to the situation. By this point my blood is boiling and I just want to slap a doctor...a so called important doctor. He asks me very few questions about headache pertaining to my numb arm (which I had to clarify happened only one time). He then asked me up on the table to do an exam. I have no neurological deficits at this time which is good, but that could change. For some reason when I am at the doctor (especially this time) I numb up and totally forget everything I want to say. This time, he didn't ask my anything so what was I supposed to do, read his stinking dang mind. No, because I cannot do that. He got done with his exam and told he was going to go look at my films (my MRI's). I was so mad because that was more waiting and he should have done that before he came in. By the time he came back, I was crying and I was so upset. He proceeded to tell me that I have something called Chairi...which duh...I already know. When he started to describe it he said the words "oh, but that is probably over your head." Oh my gosh! Like I don't know what I already have, and it is not over my head because I have researched it and I know what I have because I HAVE IT! As he continued to explain what Chairi is, he got to my 7mm herniation and he said that it wasn't triangular and that is wasn't pressing against my spinal cord(because it is JUST 7mm), and that he doesn't' recommend surgery because...wait for it...I have MIGRAINES! Bahahahahaha...it is almost laughable. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, be really upset or laugh at him. He asked if I had questions I paused, looked at Ben...heard Ben reply kind of upset-ly "Nope." Then I wanted to punch him in the face. That is what I wanted my question to be...Sir, can I punch you in the face, because you have no respect for me, my situation, my husband, and you care enough to look up my information before you come to see me...Oh wait you didn't. I wanted to ask him what he would do if he had a mild headache all day everyday. He hung us out to dry and basically said good luck taking care of your migraines because you have Chiari, but you don't have the symptoms you need to call it Chairi. I am calling him laughable.

As I walked out of the doctor's office...I was trying my best to hold in my tears. Ben said, "Well, that wasn't what you wanted to hear was it?" Then I lost it. No it wasn't. Many things filled my mind that I wanted to say to the doctor now. Questions I had, things I wanted to say, statements I wanted to demand that someone hear. Today was the opposite of what I had imagined. I have imagined for weeks of a doctor who cares and who is going to sit with me and understand what I am going through and care...care at all. I wanted to be happy walking out of my appointment today, but I was so so sad. Sad, that I may not get to have anymore children and that I am going to have to suffer for the rest of my life. I am 24 for goodness sake and I don't want to be miserable forever. I just keep praying for comfort and that I will know what to do. I KNOW that things will work out, but this suffering along the way is almost unbearable.

My friend Haley told me that if the doctor today was as much of a jerk as he was, then I don't want him operating on my head for this risky surgery. Thank you Haley for that. It is true. That is another tender mercy. I most definitely don't want him touching me again or talking to me as a matter of fact. He was just disrespectful in someways and he definitely was one of those "I am higher ranking than you on the medical food chain" people. He told me I should go back to THAT Doctor Leidner guy so that he can figure out what is wrong. Oh, and he has no idea who my neurologist is....that made me uncomfortable too!

For now, I will meet with my neurologist, whom I LOVE. He has helped me so much and he know so much about Chiari and he actually takes the time to talk to me. I am so blessed to have his help at least. He may not care for my children, and he may not joke...but he knows his stuff and he is experienced in what he does.  I appreciate him and his help to help and care for me. He is a wonderful. I will be telling him about what has gone on today and hopefully he can give me some in site onto what goes next.

THEN...for some great news, I am going to Utah! It has been almost 5 months. Which is way too long for the boys and I. Ben told me that I can fly out and see my family. I am so excited and I cannot wait for this much needed vacation and break. It has been a really long 5 months for us. Ben will have some alone time while I am gone and that is what he enjoys. He just got a kayak and he will enjoy that thoroughly while I am gone I am positive of that. I can't wait to go to Utah and just enjoy some down time, and see my family, grandparents, sisters, my home, and where I grew up. Oh how I miss it. I want my boys to be able to outside and play without me being scared they are going to get stolen or anything. If you knew where I grew up...you would be so jealous! The ones that do know...you know what I am talking about. I also just need my mom and dad...I just need to talk to her, and have them give me a big hug. I am still a big baby at heart. I am weak and I love more than anything to have them hug me and be with me. It is wonderful.

I would like to give a BIG shoutout to all of those who have helped us or sent cards or called, texted, messed, etc. My inlaws, my parents, ALL of my sisters, my sister in law Edith, my old roomie Devri, My new friend Haley and her family, my ward here, and many others out there. It would take too long to name you all. I know some of you speak to Ben and I may not hear about it :) ...so I am thanking you all too! For now, the journey continues and here's to finding the joy in it. Love to you all.