Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

Last week something happened that I knew was going to happen sometime. I just didn't know when. I GOT mad. I needed to be mad. I wanted to be mad. Not at my family, not at Heavenly Father, not at my friends, not anything like that. I just needed to be mad. Mad that this has happened and that potentially these symptoms of Chiari will never go away. 

Well, as I was vacuuming last week...the other shoe dropped. It dropped hard. I was mad. SO MAD! I wanted to be alone, but I wanted Ben to hold me and love me. So I cried and cried and cried. I vacuumed as I cried. The kids were in the bath and Ben just kept asking me what was wrong, what did I need, what happened, the house wasn't that bad, etc. Which made me more mad. Poor guy! I just kept vacuuming ..the stairs, upstairs, crying I vacuumed cracks and crevices and closets. Ben left to return a movie. Later on after the kids were out of their bath and in bed, I  pulled Ben aside because he hadn't talked to me for about an hour. I calmly told him that I just needed to be mad. The tears kept coming. I told him I was sorry and he totally understood. That was a breakthrough moment for me. He totally got what I needed and stopped asking me. I didn't get mad at him or anything. I was just attacking the crumbs all over the house. I didn't know how to tell him at that moment that I just needed to finally get mad. Mad at what was happening to me, to my body, to our family, and to our relationship.  I don't want to be mad, I just want to be normal. I know that is not going to happen. 

I am scared to go to my neurosurgeon appointment in 12 days. Is he going to be good? Will we have to do a run around and find another doctor? Will he listen to us? Will be acknowledge that I am scared out of my mind...literally?

As I sit here at 5:58 pm I have a headache. One of the worst I have had in a long time. My neck is burning and it hurts. My eyes hurt. I feel like they are just going to burst out of my head. I would really love some hardcore pain meds...but taking them scares me. My kids are a mess, my house is a wreck, no dinner in sight, there are folded clothes from three days ago on the love seat, dishes in the sink, laundry piled high in my bedroom, and my bed is not even made. My husband will walk through through the door in about an hour and wonder what is wrong. I feel terrible because this is not me. I enjoy having a clean house for my husband to come home to with dinner made and a joyful smile on my face. Tonight, I will be laying on the couch in pain, kids in bed tummies full of macenroni cheese and Braeden calls it and Ben will come home and I will have to tell him, "Honey, you are going to have to find something to make for dinner because I can barely move." I hate feeling like this. I don't like the word hate and I can hear my 4 year old saying, "mommy, we don't say hate." But for now, I can say hate because there are things I hate.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Ben will be home and those days are ALWAYS better. I am so thankful to have a supportive husband...he may not know what it is like to have Chiari and he has a different viewpoint that most people, but when I am miserable...he helps me try to feel better. He tried to understand what is going on, I guess that I all I can ask for. Thank you Ben for being wonderful and understanding through all of this.